leadboard premotaj roman Ivica Milarić

Četvrtak, Jun 12, 2014

Kako nisam postao dete idiot

Sećam se prvog puta kada me je baka vodila na kampovanje. 

Imao sam samo devet godina, a nikada nisam proveo ni jednu noć u šatoru. Živeli smo blizu ivice šume, ali su moji roditelji bili suviše zauzeti ispijanjem Koka Kole koja je prepuna šećera i gledanjem serija poput Seks i Grad, uprkos činjenici da su kasnije epizode, posebno kada se pojavi onaj Burger, dosta slabije. Jednostavno, sve im je bilo bitnije od mene i nisu marili da li znam da zapalim vatru od mokrog pruća i mrtvih žaba. A ja? Ja sam igrao video igre i sufovao na internetu. Još gore, nikada nisam čitao ekološke blogove i još mnogo gore, nikada nisam kliktao na njihove obilate Adsens oglase.

Sve se to promenilo jedan dana kada me je posetila baka iz Klankenfurtena na Majni. Ona je otišla davnih dana iz rodnog kraja i živela u Nemačkoj. Iako je bila u srcu tehnologije i preciznosti, nije zaboravila svoje korene i snagu divlje prirode.

Umesto da mi kaže bilo šta, baka je razvalila vrata od moje sobe, istrgla mi Gejmboj iz šaka i razbila ga sekirom u komade.

“Za ovo služi sekira, mali!” povikala je i zarežala na mene. “Sada beži, dajem ti pet minuta fore pre nego što krenem za tobom!”

Upalakan, pobegao sam iz kuće i uleteo u šumu, siguran da je moja voljena baka izgubila razum i bila namerena da nas sve pobije. Trčao sam kroz zelenilo uplakan, tražeći od Rolanda Mekdonalda da siđe sa neba i zaštiti me. Ali imao sam samo sebe. Ubrzo sam pao i polomio podlakticu, što jeste bilo bolno, ali mi je samo dalo razloga da naučim da mahovina ima blaga antiseptična svojstva. Trčao sam dalje, uveren da mi je baka za petama.
 
Kada je noć pala, našao sam raspalu kopiju Luji Viton torbe u koju sam zavukao stopala da mi ostanu topla. Naoštrio sam štap pomoću zarezača koji sam srećom imao u džepu, ali nisam imao slanine niti špikovanih ćevapa koje bih mogao da nabodem. Jasno, vatru nisam znao da napravim ni na razglednici. Umesto toga, napravio sam suvo prenoćište od odbačenog sedišta iz Juga Tempa 1.1 i tu proveo hladnu noć, strepeći od pomahnitale bake. Kada sam se probudio, bio sam gladan, uplašen i spreman da se prepustim velikoj tami koje je bila nedaleko od moje slabe svesti.

Tada se pojavila baka. Umesto da me povredi, pomazila me je po glavi. “Sada znaš zašto ljudi kampuju. Nemoj nikada da postaneš idiot.”

Danas imam tri centimetra kraću ruku usled preloma i živim sam, okružen mačkama, konzerviranom hranom i automatskim oružjem. Uveren sam da će HAARP svakog trenutka da uništi svet, a da ću ja morati da se borim protiv zombijevskih legija koje će napraviti Robo-Masoni koji tajno kontrolišu svet. Teško mi je da budem pored drugih ljudi, jer znam da mogu da mi čitaju misli, a svako ko ima crnu kosu, ili plavu, a često i riđu, zapravo radi za Robo-Masone. 

Ali srećom, bar nisam ispao dete idiot!

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